Jesus said, “…I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!”

Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them…When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?”

Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” — John 21:18-22

Follow me.

Stop looking at the waves. Stop turning back to the boat. You shall not turn to salt; you shall not turn to stone. Where are your eyes? Where are they fixed? Where is your heart? Where is your spirit?

I refuse to drown, even if they drag me under. I refuse to swim; I would rather walk on water.

Though You lead me to my death.

I will follow you.

Currently reading: Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie

I don’t know how long I can keep living up to other people’s expectations.

It seems like my whole life I’ve been struggling to keep others happy, and each time I try and strike out alone, to do something on my own, to be independent, I fuck up and the whole world comes crashing down around me.

Why does my life have to be so dramatic?

What else do you want from me?

Occasionally, I allow myself the luxury of tears.

I am now thousands of miles away, and I can’t be hurt anymore.

The only one who can hurt me is myself.

It’s amazing what memories can do to you; it’s even more amazing how I can contort them, change them, control them. In the past few weeks I’ve lived, died, cried, loved, been loved, hurt, been hurt, over and over again.

How do I want to remember this? How do I want to recall? What actually happened?

Because what I leave behind will change where I am going.

The only thing that can hurt me now are the memories.

To forget.

Can I see this as a good thing? Can I put my trust in Him who I have already found to be faithful? Can I believe, even without seeing, that this is the best thing that can happen for me?

Trust is a daily thing - waking up, and saying, Look, I don’t see things the way You do.. but I know You know me, and other things, way better than I do.. so I won’t even think about this difference anymore. It’s up to You what I do with my life today.. Guide me.

How much of a better person will I be if I can do that every day, and not just for right now, but for ever? How much more a child of God will I be?

Currently listening: Pandora’s Caia station

Currently reading: The Crucible by Arthur Miller

I love my new screen.. it’s pretty rad.

I currently have 6 (and counting) pdfs open on my dual-screen desktop. There’s so much to learn about collective and violent action, and the relationship between prejudice and racism.

I’ve checked out more than 20 books in the past week from one of the largest libraries in the world, on everything from genocide to Czech plays to media and advertising. I will be using perhaps 1 or 2 of them in the beginnings of my senior essay.

I’ll be getting numerous free cocktails/bottles of beer/dinners/lunches throughout this year from people I barely know yet who somehow feel responsible for me.

I’ve met at least 20 freshmen in the past 6 weeks who have changed my life forever. Here’s to possibly changing theirs.

And tomorrow I’ll sit with 8 of the smartest, most passionate people I know, including one of the best-learned professors in the world, and talk about everything and nothing and criticize and receive and learn and argue and laugh.

This is why I love Yale.

This is what was good today:

It’s finally become winter outside - the leaves have turned from green to gone without the middle stage of red gold and brown. I got out my extra blankets from the closet, and snuggled by myself in a deep ocean of red velvet, jersey and IKEA polyester. It was beautiful.

I had a 15-minute coffee conversation with Dom at the Publick Cup, and heard about his plans for the future and why he didn’t go on Fall Retreat. He walked me to Bass and back, and my coffee was delicious. I just realised that I forgot to punch my Publick Cup card when I paid for my coffee.

This isn’t today, this was yesterday, but I sent a lolcat to Will and now it’s one of his favorites:

I thought about my senior essay and how it’s changing. And how I’m changing. And how that’s okay.

I read a little bit, curled up on the sofa in my common room, with a cup of hot coffee.

I checked “Member” on my connection card at Church on the Rock for the first time. It was good.

Currently reading: Waiting by Ha Jin

I leave for Zagreb tomorrow! And life is good.

A little bit slow, a little bit sad, but good.

A little bit of serendipity, a little more hope. And more love than I’ll ever know.